But If Not....

I stood on a rooftop, battling in prayer for a woman I had never met. 

31 years old, 3 kids and a husband. She was in the hospital in a coma. Her brain was inactive and the prognosis didn't look good, but I knew that my God was bigger and desires life for us.

After about a week of praying, Saturday came, and the doctors said her brain showed activity. Praise Jesus! She was coming back...

Sunday rolled around, and it got much worse again. My thoughts were what many try to tell us to comfort us when struggles come. "It always get worse, before it gets better, right? It has to get better..."

That's when I went to the roof.

I paced back and forth shouting prayers, with a deep yearning for this woman to breathe in new life; to wake up and be able to be a mom, a wife, a friend, and to live to see her kids grow and the world around her change more and more. 

Life, Lord! Life, life, life. Abounding, abundant, flourishing life. Awaken her, and breathe newness into her. Restore her body. Please, Lord, let her have new life.

I woke up the next morning to a text from my friend saying,

"My friend is with Jesus"

Great, my prayers for life were answered with death.

I threw my phone on the bed, honestly feeling a little defeated. I walked towards the bathroom to get in the shower, and as I walked, I felt a prompting from the Lord...go read the text again.

Why do I need to do that? I know what it said. It said she died. 

Turn around and go read it again.

I grudgingly walked back to my room. "My friend is with Jesus."

Oh my gosh, Lord. Forgive me. 

My eyes welled up with tears. How quick I was to look at my desires instead of rejoicing for a woman who was in the presence of the Lord. I sat on my bed and thanked my God who delights in answering our prayers.

I was praying for life, but in my finite mind that meant that her brain would wake up and breathe life into her lungs that were being inflated by a machine. I wanted her physical body restored, and I expected the Lord to show up in that way.

Not only did the Lord answer my prayer, but it was answered 100-fold. My finite mind couldn't bear for her physical body to perish, but His infinite mind delighted in restoring it all and allowing her to be in His presence for eternity.

I answered your prayer. How much more abounding, abundant, flourishing life can you have than face to face with me? She is whole, she is dancing, she is rejoicing.

In class the other day, we talked about the concept of "But if not..."

We were talking about it in terms of pursuing the Lord alongside dreams that continue failing. This phrase is used to show devotion to the Lord in the midst of trials throughout the Bible.

Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego answered and said to the king, "O Nebuchadnezzar, we have no need to answer you in this matter.

If this be so, our God whom we serve is able to deliver us from the burning fiery furnace, and he will deliver us out of your hand, O king.

But if not, be it known to you, O king, that we will not serve your gods or worship the golden image that you have set up." 

Nebuchadnezzer was trying to get these men to worhsip idols, and the terms if they didn't was to be put to death in the fiery furnace. They stood in devotion to their one true God. The three men expected God to show up and save them from death. They knew that their God was faithful. Their prayer was to be delivered, and yet they said, "but if not" (meaning, but if God has other plans than the ones we have), we will worship Him anyways.

I was wondering what the reactions of the people who knew this woman I had been praying for would be. If I was a stranger feeling heartbroken and facing those moments of defeat, I expected there to be stories of heartache, doubt, maybe even a little anger that the Lord would take this woman from the Earth. I was invited to a Facebook group of people praying for her and her family. I explored the page and was astonished at what I found. Testimony upon testimony of the Lord's faithfulness. In the midst of the seeming tragedy of her death, people were proclaiming the goodness of the Lord. (Amen.)

I often give the Lord terms based on my expectations. I think I can negotiate with Him in prayer, and when I don't get my way I get upset, when in reality His goodness never faltered. I sometimes serve the idol of answered prayers and forget the One who has unwavering love for me. There are times it seems that He hasn't/won't answer prayers. In those times, I get the privilege of letting go of my desires, returning to the truth and saying "I want this to happen, but if not...you are good. You are faithful. You love me. You desire abundant life for your children."

In the midst of my but if not moments, may I always choose to say "Lord, you are good."